I consider myself a sociable person.
Studying drama and working in radio and television broadcasting pushed me to
get over the shyness I had as a child. As a Christian minister, my pastoral
responsibilities continue to encourage me to engage with people from all walks
of life. I enjoy being part of an extended family, although my wife once
commented that if I had my way my extended family would include, at the very
least, everyone in Fiji.
Almost everyone has their “gang” or
perhaps their “gangs”. There’s the “grog gang”, the “touch rugby (or some other
sport gang),” the “gang from church (or the ‘mandli’ or mosque),” the “gang
from work,” the “ex-scholars/old boys/ old girls gang”, the “gang you grew up with,”
even the “gang from the garage,” as well as the “charity/social work gang” and
of course, the “gang from the village”. The list goes on. The broader and more
colourful your life and work experiences, the more diverse your groups may be.
These days the word “network” is
commonly used to refer to “an extended group of people with similar interests or
concerns who interact and remain in informal contact for mutual assistance or
support.”
One of the difficulties I faced while living and studying in
South Korea was the issue of language. That was to be expected and I did learn
enough of the Korean language “Hangumal” (although my children seem to have
taught themselves more) to survive for the better part of two years and sing
the Lord’s Prayer in another language. What I had not expected was the
limitation of not being able to fully converse in another language meant that
there were not many groups in my university and church communities with whom I
could talanoa with.
I had many friends and we could “hang out” and do things
together but real conversation, talanoa was a long and difficult process,
especially for the translator. As a result I had to get used to only having a
smaller circle of friends and shift from group talanoa to one-on-one
conversations.
Even if conversations would start off very casually and
shallow, as time went on the conversations would become more serious and deep.
Without the group around my friend and I could really share our thoughts, our
hopes and fears, joys and sorrows with each other.
For a communal
society such as ours, one-on-one conversations are very important in helping us
to really understand one another. For example, in terms of parent and child
relationships, one-on-one time helps children to feel both connected to
the family as a whole, but also to each parent in their own way. In the
same way, while you may have a good relationship with the group as a whole,
taking the time to have one-on-one conversations with those in the group
creates connections between the group members and strengthens the group as
well.
The one-on-one
connection in friendships is an important part of mental health.
According to
the Mental Health Foundation (UK), “Our friendships are
among the most valuable relationships we have. We gain in various ways from
different friendships. We may talk to friends in confidence about things we
wouldn’t discuss with our families. Our friends may annoy us, but they can also
keep us going.”
“Friendship is a crucial element in protecting
our mental health. We need to talk to our friends and we want to listen when
our friends want to talk to us. Our friends can keep us grounded and can help
us get things in perspective. It is worth putting effort into maintaining our
friendships and making new friends. Friends form one of the foundations of our
ability to cope with the problems that life throws at us.”
Of course, deep and meaningful conversations call for real
listening and honest sharing, which is not always easy. It is also something
that needs time. However when we make the time and effort to have those
conversations, we make a real connection with the other and the “net” or circle
of friends or colleagues is made stronger.
Last week I was having a casual online chat with one of my
friends in Korea. All of a sudden he switched from typing to voice chat so he
could “really talk” with me. Half an hour later when the chat was over, I felt
close to him, even though he was thousands of kilometres away from me. In that time he had shared deeply and openly
with me. I hope I did the same.
As the western concept of time permeates our society and
replaces our “Fiji Time,” we are in danger of losing not only the time and
space for these deeper conversations but also the value for them. In the rush
for information and the increasing need for entertainment value in our
conversations, let us not forget to allow and use the opportunities for our
hearts and souls to speak to each other.
“Simplicity, Serenity, Spontaneity.”
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