Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A Change is Gonna Come....eventually (UNEDITED VERSION)

I came across a post by a friend (naturally) on Facebook which asked the question,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?" In our light-hearted (every pun intended) repartee, I suggested that my friend's husband include the question in his next book, while she challenged me to use it in a sermon. Considering my next sermon was in Korean... I thought I'd use it in my monthly light-humour (pun-pun) column for Mai Life.

This piece featured in the January 2012 issue of MAI LIFE Magazine. However it was edited for whatever reason. So here is the full version:

Question: How many feminists does it take to change a light-bulb? Answer: That's not funny. 
Now I know that is not the politically correct way for any “bloke” to start a column or a sermon but I believe I am qualified to tell this joke, in more ways than one.

Tackling the feminist issue first may not be the best way to win friends and influence people but it may get them to read on.  I come from a long line of feminists. My great-grandmothers were both fiercely independent women. Well that is what I am told by the women who claim are continuing their legacy. Those of you familiar with this column will know by now that I was raised in a feminist house-hold. Those who are not, well now you know. The women of my family, mother, sisters and wife (plus daughter and goddaughter-slash-niece) may not always appear as your stereotypical feminists. I mean sure they all like to wear pants and I wear the skirt…er…sulu, sure they may drape a shawl over themselves when seated in a workshop when the air-conditioning is too high. But they do not appear to be the hard-core, cropped hair, armpit and leg-hair growing, man hating, argumentative creatures that male chauvinists see in their nightmares. Oh no, some of them enjoy watching “Sex in the City” (the series and the movies), have been known to wear a sari and let out the odd giggle (both in terms of occasional squeals as well as strange noises). They are living proof, as I explain to my son, of the existence of feminine feminists.

By birthright and conditioning, therefore I can lay claim to the title of feminist. Well perhaps pseudo-feminist … along with being pseudo-sevens rugby coach, pseudo-Pacific Islander (well, according to my wife anyway… I prefer to call it being Oceanian), pseudo-humourist and, on the occasion I find that I am talking to myself (because everyone is ignoring me or I’m having a flash-back to my radio days and nights), a pseudo-echo (see, that’s pseudo-humour). I am also a former financial member of an esteemed global feminist institution – the “Y’ ….yes… ok….the Young Women’s Christian Association (Lautoka branch).

I am also qualified to comment on light-bulbs because I have, at times, been likened to something akin to one. I mean just as the image of a light-bulb being switched on is synonymous with the saying “Eureka!”, so too the phrase “kida cala” is synonymous with the term “tubelight”. I openly admit that I have swung between these two extreme descriptions of intelligence many times. Too many times to the side that needs a “starter” for my own liking.

So as not to appear prejudiced, biased, or otherwise just plain stupid, for this rather “insensitive” question, I am including a number of other how many to change a light-bulb questions that I have come across. I hope you find them interesting, perhaps mildly entertaining, if not down-right funny.

Q:How many politicians does it take to change a light-bulb? 
A1: Since they rarely change anything without first appointing a study committee,it can take anywhere from between six (6) to twelve (12) politicians to change a light-bulb.
A2: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A3: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
A4: None, we don’t have any politicians. The government will take care of it after afternoon tea.

How many Christians does it take to change a light-bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light-bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the pot luck lunch.
Anglicans: Three. One to call the electrician, one to talk about how much better the old one was and one to prepare the newsletter for the Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice.
Methodists: Change? What do you mean change?
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
New Methodists: Two. One to change the bulb and one to blame the Methodists for not changing.
Amish: What's a light-bulb?

Q:  How many divorce lawyers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A:  3 - one to argue for the rights of the old light-bulb, one to argue for the rights of the new light-bulb, and one to argue for the rights of the light socket.

Q:  How many social workers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A:  Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to conduct the interview with the receiving socket and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light-bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light-bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light-bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light-bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Q:  How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light-bulb?
A:  None:  `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
Q:  Why did the `Real Man' sit in the dark?
A:  He couldn't find a new light-bulb and was too embarrassed to ask.

Happy 2012!

No comments:

Post a Comment